The Jurassic Park Trilogy: Jurassic Park III.

I never realized camcorders could last 8 weeks on a tropical rain forest infested with dinosaurs, survive the elements and then play film after just replacing the battery. I never realized how realistic it was that 4 adult males in a search party all armed and supposedly trained could die in under two days while a young boy between the age of 12-14 could survive 8 weeks by himself. I never realized that a monophonic ringtone from a satellite phone in the belly of a Spinosaurus could be heard, especially through dense jungle. I would like an explanation of how the young boy somehow collected a bottle of T Rex urine. The response of 'you don't want to know' when questioned by Dr Grant in regards to its' acquirement was a lazy way of saying - ' we don't have any possible explanation for this.' The formula for each Jurassic Park film contains at least one super ridiculously annoying character that has to be mega oblivious and obnoxious, spiraling everyone else into danger. That makes for annoying viewing. Luckily the trilogy is here to think, so you don't have to. It's a no-brainer, don't watch this film.
- L

This film is like DINOSAUR DINOSAUR DINOSAUR DINOSAUR DINOSAUR end. Which is cool if you're making a visual effects reel to show off dinosaurs. If you're making a film with characters and a plot (plot?) then it's not a particularly useful tactic. Watching this film continually violate every single internal law it sets up for itself is a pretty amazing thing to witness and I don't think I've seen it done better since Hitman. Wow. Hitman was horrible. This is worse though. The spinosaurus was badarse. My jaw literally dropped and stayed there for about a minute when the army rolled up on the beach. Seriously amazing. Sam Neill (he's back, dammit) said something about a river to Laura Dern on the phone and she somehow convinced the army to roll up on Isla Sorna and save dudez. I was shocked. I'm still shocked. This film is well made. Kind of. The dinosaurs aren't even good. Lost World had better ones. Lost World seriously had better visual effects than this hunk of T-Rex crap. Apparently Joe Johnston asked to direct The Lost World but Spielberg said he could do the third. Spielberg should have punched him in the face.
- Mike.

Dinosaurs are cool. Making movies of them is not.
-AJ

The Jurassic Park Trilogy: The Lost World

Previously, I had believed The Village to be the worst film I've seen in my 18 years of life. I feel really sorry for Mike because he bought the film. Sucker. What girl stows herself away in a vehicle destined for an island infested with dinosaurs and then decides to light a fire to cook breakfast on said island? When two people are stationed looking over your camp on a dinosaur-infested island and they are the only possible people who can call your phone and you decide to look at a wounded dinosaur leg instead of answering the phone, you deserve to die.
- L
This film was annoying. It was so cool in bits and the dinosaurs looked real and everything but it was just dumb thing after dumb thing. The two kids shows up from the first one and you're all like "OH NO" but then they're gone again after about a minute of screen time. Sick. Goldblum's daughter is the worst ever, why does she go with them? There's fricken dinosaurs there. Didn't she know that? Actually maybe she didn't. Either way, ugh. Julianna Moore is in there for some reason and so is Pete Postlethwaite. Vince Vaughn too. Random casting 6000. Peter Stomare gets killed by a load of little dinosaurs and Richard Schiff gets killed by two T-Rexs while trying to save everything which sucks. I am amazed this film was PG. If it were M people still probably would have taken their kids but it's definitely not a PG flick. Dudes get ripped in half, a little girl gets messed up by dinosaurs. Weird. Spielberg makes good flicks but this is unarguably one of his worst.
- Mike

T-Rex + screaming black girl + highly dangerous environment = disappointing survival.
- AJ

Next up: Jurassic Park 3.

The Jurassic Park Trilogy: Jurassic Park

(Worst kids ever.)

You would have to be retarded to fall into the danger that they experienced. Stupid unbackable storyline.
- L

This film is pretty sweet. I can't work out if it's a film for kids or a film for adults though. It's pretty violent and somewhat disturbing (if you're a kid) but it's also really fluffy and kiddish. Sam Neill (who I don't like) is some dude who likes dinosaurs and Richard Attenborough pays him and Laura Dern some money to come and get chased and nearly killed a lot. Jeff Goldblum shows up as a mathematician which is sweet. The kids in this film suck. L almost couldn't handle the sheer annoyingness of the girl because she seriously just screamed at everything. Sam Neill could have been like "sup" and she would have screamed. Annoying and stupid. If this film didn't have the kids it would probably rule a lot harder. The velociraptors were the best bit for sure. I kind of wish the park actually existed. That would rule.
- Mike

Rich capitalist pig + gullible, stupid scientists + claws & teeth = stupid.
- AJ

The Lost World is up next.